Our Pets are so special to us

My darling cat Gizzi passed this week

I adored him more than words can say. He was just a very special cat……….

I was watching Marley and Me a few weeks back, and there was a scene where Marley is really ill, and Owen Wilson tells the vet that his dog is not like other dogs, that he is special, and I remember laughing and thinking, we all think that. And we do don’t we? 

Our pets are so so special to US, individually. When people say to me, ooohhh dont like cats, I often feel like saying, yeah but mine are different. 

We got Gizzi, and his brother Bentley on 6th November 2007. It was just after I had my first unsuccessful IVF. I was so so depressed, and nothing brought any solace. I had all this love, and there was nowhere for it to go. We had just lost; wait for it, 4 cats that year, so my heart was so so ouchy.  And the boys brought so much joy. We already had Charlie, who was a lovely big ball of fluff, lovely to us, but hissed at the boys.  They made us laugh, and were very affectionate. And we just feel deeply in love.  And they were both so chatty. Bentley was larger, and the more dominant, although they always cuddled, and slept together. They were inseparable. 

Sadly, after 8 months, Bentley went missing. We searched for him for a week, until someone who had seen a poster, called us and told us she had found him dead, in the park, and put him in the bin!!! Mem ran to the bin but it had been emptied. Devastated, beyond words. I really thought I was going to lose the will to live. This was  5 cats in under 2 years. I was angry with God for not giving me a child, and angry with Him for not even allowing us to keep cats.
( Dear God please forgive me, as I now know I chose these severe tests) And all the questions….how did Bentley die, why didn’t we look further away, did he starve to death, was he dead when the lady threw him away????And Gizzi…..oh my gosh, that was just heart breaking too. He just wanted his brother, so carried on looking for him for about 2 weeks after, sniffing around the house, looking outside….gutted.

Yet eventually we all healed. And Gizzi became even more affectionate. I went on to have to 2 more IVF’s. The medication made me really sleepy, and Gizzi loved it when I climbed into bed in the afternoons. He would come over, knead me, like they do to their Mums for milk, and then cuddle up and sleep. It was so comforting for me. Mem was travelling a lot with work, so Gizzi was my companion. And I needed what he was giving. When the IVF’s failed, I went into a very dark place, my dark night of the Soul. I didn’t want to live, there was no point. My dreams were horrifying.  Dreams of dark dense woods, so dense that I couldn’t even turn, so dense that if I moved, a branch would pierce my skin, or poke my eye, and there was no light in this forest, and I couldn’t breathe…..very scary. And I would wake, and Gizzi would be on the edge of the bed, and he would come over, and snuggle, and comfort me so much, that in time I would fall back to sleep. On days when I just didn't want to talk to anyone or go out, he was there, always. Other times he would make me laugh with his chatter, and antics. He was almost human, and my ‘son’, I loved him soooo much. And ultimately it was my love for him, that turned me away from eating meat!!

And although Gizzi loved Mummy cuddles, he absolutely adored Mem. They were boys together, so when Mem was around he got the cuddles, the mad play times and the chat, and I guess, gave Mem wanted he needed. It is the unconditional love that cats give. If Mem and I ever got into a screaming argument Gizzi would come into the room, and meowwww so loudly, it was hysterical, so Mem and I would end up laughing, and lowering our voices. 

And the only cat to try to shove an enormous pigeon through the cat flap, and to bring in a squirrel. Luckily both survived after I told him off!!

 He was given so much affection, and given whatever he wanted, because that is what Mem and I wanted to do, we wanted to see him as happy as he could be. He would jump up onto a box at the side of the bidet, and meow, and you had to stroke him, and he would meow, and you stroked him, and this went on until he was happy that you had given him enough affection, and then he would drink!”!!! He also worked out how to get into the garden shed, though a small hole in the door, and would sleep in there on the warm summer days. The bond was so so strong. We missed him when we went away, and wished we could take him with us. He was so so loved. Oh and I hardly ever called him Gizzi….so many names, Grindles, Gissi Sissi, Swizzle Sticks, Grindaly Dwindaly, Swissy, and most of all Mummy Baby. I would look into his face and tell him I loved him, and he loved it, responding with chirpy, little sounds, that just melted my heart

Oh and the time I caught Swine Flu. Mem was away, and no one was allowed to visit because I was so contagious. It was so hot weather wise, and I was so hot with a temperature. Yet Gizzi stayed with me, in bed for 3 days, only moving to eat, or go outside to the loo. His whole body spread out along side mine, giving so much comfort, and sometimes he would rest his face on my shoulder, and just gaze at me, as if to say, its ok I am here with you….bless him and tears at the memory

And over the past 3 years, as I continued on my journey of empowerment, the afternoon naps lessened, and I spend more time in my craft room, and he would come and lay on the desk, and snooze. And I was happy, and so content. My dark times were over, and life was  good. He was such a chilled out cat. And then we got Biba, because Charlie had died of cancer, and it was a lovely little family.  And he was going to grow old with us, and be here forever…right?

On Sunday night, he was sleeping on my chair in the art room, and as I sat down, he jumped off, and went downstairs. It was about 22.30. He often slept all day, and went out at night. Mem got him a G-Paws tracker a few months back, so we could see where he goes. I must admit I was shocked to see how many times he crossed the road, and how far he actually went! But I wasn’t going to give into fear, so allowed him his freedom.

So he ate, and went out. Mem and I went to bed, and when we woke he wasn’t around. Normally he would have been on the bed, as it was cold. We didn’t really worry, and called him a couple of times. By about 1pm we were starting to worry, as he would have been in to eat his breakfast.  I went out again, calling him, and nothing. I tried to tune into him, and nothing. Yet every time I thought of him, I saw him chilled out, in a sunny, warm field, and so content….how odd, as it was cold, and grey outside!!

So we decided to go off to the gym, hoping he would be home when we got back. And he wasn’t, so I asked my FB friends to pray for his return. I went off looking for him, and Mem went off to the Post Office.  As I was coming out of the neighbour’s drive, I heard Mem shout really loudly. I turned around, and I could see that he was holding Gizzi. Ohhh the relief…thank God. And I could see Mems shoulders moving up and down, and thinking he was laughing, started laughing too. It was only was I got closer that he was shaking his head, and saying no, he’s dead Roobs, he is dead. I remember asking him if he was sure, knowing fully well that Gizzi was dead. His face was crushed on one side, and he was stiff. And I don’t really remember a lot after that apart from howling from my gut up to my throat, and out, at the injustice, and the pain, and the sickness. We held him and both cried so so hard. I just wanted him to open his eyes, even if there was any hope that he was still alive, please God give me hope. Maybe by hearing us crying he would suddenly come back to life, because it couldn’t possibly be true that he was dead. Then thinking that it wasn’t Gizzi, and just another cat that looked like him..honestly the thoughts, and hopes at that moment!!! I was clinging to everything, but I knew, and Mem knew. And just at that time it rained so so hard, like Heaven was crying with us too.  And so it ended, that was it. No more Gizzi, no more chatting, no more loving, no more Gizzi….never ever ever. And whats the first thing you want to do when a loved one goes..you want them more than ever, but you cannot because death is so final, but you want them, and is there anyway that it can be different for you, and can they come back, but you know it is final, and this is one rule that never changes, for anyone, or anything…death is death!!!!

Yet there is some solace. Yes we are hurting, and have spent to past few days talking, and remembering, and crying. Mem and I are releasing. We are being very gentle with ourselves.  And the support we have had is so overwhelming. So many phone calls, and messages, we both feel so loved. Yes we hurt, but we can talk it out. And I know that our time on this Earth is temporary and that wherever my darling Gizzi is, he is so so loved, and probably being a rascal with his brother Bentley. I know I will see all my cats again. They have come to me many times to let me know they are ok, and oh so content. The angelic beings around them fill them with so much love, more so than they ever felt on Earth. And Mem dreamt of Gizzi last night, like I knew he would, and he and Gizzi were playing in the garden after one of their garden walks together. I understand the circle of life, and know that although Gzzi isn’t here physically, he will always be with us. His time to go had come. Whatever he came here for was complete. And he came because we asked. He came because we both needed healing, and love, and he came specifically and only for us, no one else. Only we saw the love, only we felt the devotion. Only we knew him, and he knew us.

So that’s why, your pet is so so special to you. I believe they are sent by the Angels, when we call out. And pets heal, and take on our stuff, and they have completed their work they go. So I am grateful we found him, I am grateful he went quickly, I am grateful that he was my cat, and oh so cherished, and I am so grateful, that in my darkest hour, he always, and unconditionally reminded me every day, what love really was all about, my true Zen Master, my Gizzi.

RIP my darling. There will be that moment when you will come running back over that rainbow bridge to greet me, and chat to me, and do Mummy cuddles, so my Love…until then…..stay loved and oh so blessed. I love you so so much